Tuesday, July 28, 2009

It's Just An Emo Day.

Song today : You're Not Alone - MJ

I have been feeling so so down for few days, since I got the x-ray check up on my leg.
Last Saturday, I went to Hospital Pantai Mutiara for my leg check up.
The doctor examined my leg, my scar, and done x-ray on my leg.

The x-ray came out, and submitted to the doctor.
When I thought that the doctor was about to say the same thing as General Hospital's doctors said, the doctor surprised me.
I got a shocked for few seconds, and I became speechless.
The doctor's sentences are simple.
===========================================
"You cannot squad down like a normal person, permanently"

"Certain limited movements on your leg that the screws caused, it will be permanent"

"The screws wont be taking out, unless you're gonna change your whole bone to a metal one."

"Those screws will be in your leg for the rest of your life, and you are gonna suffer pain when you are old"
===========================================
Simple sentences that hurt deeply into my feeling.
Which destroy all my hopes and dreams, causing me troubles for the rest of my life.

All these while, all the information from GH's doctors are wrong!!!
They never look into my x-rays, they just briefly read about my medical reports and when i asked questions, they are just answering me based on their stupid knowledge!!!
They didn't know that those screws are screwed into my hip, not femur!

All these while, I've been positive thinking.
I told myself not to give up, I told myself to be strong.
I don't need anybody to support me, i can walk by myself.
I must not make anyone worry about me.
I told myself, the screws will be taking out in the future, and someday, I will walk like a normal person again, as how I walk last time.
I told myself, don't force myself too hard, I will be active in sports again in the future, but not now.

All these while, my family and friends are supporting me.
I know they care about me, so I never tell them when my leg is extremely pain.
I don't wanna make anyone worry about me, and also not to gain sympathy.
I've been telling myself that one day, I will be fine.
I've been giving myself all the hopes that I will be fine in the future, my leg will fully recover.

I'm afraid.
Afraid of people don't wanna hang out with me anymore if they think that I cannot join for certain activities.
Afraid of people think that I am a burden to them.
Afraid of no one cares about me.
Afraid of being left behind.

Then, i stood up again.
Even though i can ease the pain for every step i take, I will not complain.
I must never show the weaker side about myself.
I will never let anyone worry about me, I don't wanna be a burden to anyone.
I can take the pain, I will not let anyone leave me behind...

At 1st, I don't even want to tell anyone about my current condition, not even my family.
All these while, everyone thought that those screws will be remove from my leg one day.
That's what I told everyone, and what I heard from GH's doctors.
I've been putting the smile on my face, laugh like nobody business, to cover up my emotional feeling.

But now, I will have to bear with the pain, until the rest of my life.
I cannot squad down like a normal human, forever.

I cannot shift my leg up, forever.

The screws will be remain in my hip, for the rest of my life.

Everything is permanent, no more hopes.
I have to go through another types of life.
Which I will feel pain when I wake up, until I go to sleep, and sometimes, sleepless night.
I am a weather forecast, I can tell the whole state of people that when is it going to rain.
But no matter what, I should feel thankful that I can still walk, and I am still alive.
I am only 20 years old, or I should say, 19years and 10months old, and I have to go through all these.
I am a tough guy, I will not give up, I will continue my journey, until the end, the rest of my life...

I am writing this post to express my own feeling.
Not to gain any attention or sympathy from anyone.
Thanks to everyone who care about me all these while.
Thousand appreciate.

14 comments:

aL said...

you'll be fine sayang :)

Ji Yuan said...

I suggest you consult this doctor

http://pusatrawatankeraton.com/

Be strong!

JJzai said...

aL sayang, i am ok, thanks =)

Ji Yuan, things you do are not helping, and it wont make me feeling better.
but thanks anyway.

AaronWoolala said...

JJJJJJJJJJJJJJ T__T
So saddddd..

You won't walk alone. =)
Med-Tech is getting more and more advanced. Don't give up hope. ^^

JJzai said...

Aaron, it is ok.
i am ok =)

Tau Sar Phneah said...

just don't gv up...there's always hope :)

Lasker said...

Different doctor says different things. Set a goal for yourself, keep enough money to take a trip to more advanced countries like Singapore to ask the docs there.

I won't be surprised if they tell you there is a solution for you to be perfectly normal again.

Don't give up just based on our Malaysian doctor. It takes more than that to make a person give up :)

Satkuru said...

JJ, i am no doctor but i am pretty sure something will pop up in the near future that will work in your favour.

live life to the fullest. don't let this speedbump slow you down. find alternatives that will get you to where ever you are going :)

i am anticipating a reply from you just like the above one but i just wanna say, keep your head held high because what you have and are going through isn't an easy feat.

take care of yourself mr tan :)

JJzai said...

TSP, Lasker & Satkuru
First of all, thanks you all for supporting me.
I really appreciate it. All of you have been supporting me all these while.
Especially Lasker & Satkuru, everytime when i complain about the painful and stuffs, you guys will show your concern.

Look, I am ok, i stood up again and continue my life.
Cause I know, giving up is not gonna help, I can't go back to the past. I have to face the truth.

As for the solution, in order for me to stand up and really walk like a normal person, the only way is to change my whole bone to the metal one.
No other choices =)

So? Should I? Shouldn't I?
I don't think that it wont make me pain in the future.

SaeWei said...

I know that you are gonna be just fine so I'm not worried. :)
You went kayaking didn't you? It's consider an extreme sport and yet you managed to go through it so it shows that you are one strong boy..

And, you are gonna be a man soon.. wheeeeeeeeeee

Jessica said...

dun let the screw limit you.. you have a whole lot to live n experience...in your journey with ur friends. =)

9PEK9BO (ERNST) said...

Yea, look fwd and be strong...cheer up! The good Lord has different wonderful plans for everyone and HIS opportunities are always disguised as 'problems' in life.
Take care there!

davidtan said...

it's been a long time that i didn't read a through the post till the end... sorry to hear bout this... must ja you... really a bit sad when reading this post...

dEvIlInE said...

will be your fren no matter what happen to you =D hugs~! frendships remains forever...