Song today : You're Not Alone - MJ
I have been feeling so so down for few days, since I got the x-ray check up on my leg.
Last Saturday, I went to Hospital Pantai Mutiara for my leg check up.
The doctor examined my leg, my scar, and done x-ray on my leg.
The x-ray came out, and submitted to the doctor.
When I thought that the doctor was about to say the same thing as General Hospital's doctors said, the doctor surprised me.
I got a shocked for few seconds, and I became speechless.
The doctor's sentences are simple.
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"You cannot squad down like a normal person, permanently"
"Certain limited movements on your leg that the screws caused, it will be permanent"
"The screws wont be taking out, unless you're gonna change your whole bone to a metal one."
"Those screws will be in your leg for the rest of your life, and you are gonna suffer pain when you are old"
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Simple sentences that hurt deeply into my feeling.
Which destroy all my hopes and dreams, causing me troubles for the rest of my life.
All these while, all the information from GH's doctors are wrong!!!
They never look into my x-rays, they just briefly read about my medical reports and when i asked questions, they are just answering me based on their stupid knowledge!!!
They didn't know that those screws are screwed into my hip, not femur!
All these while, I've been positive thinking.
I told myself not to give up, I told myself to be strong.
I don't need anybody to support me, i can walk by myself.
I must not make anyone worry about me.
I told myself, the screws will be taking out in the future, and someday, I will walk like a normal person again, as how I walk last time.
I told myself, don't force myself too hard, I will be active in sports again in the future, but not now.
All these while, my family and friends are supporting me.
I know they care about me, so I never tell them when my leg is extremely pain.
I don't wanna make anyone worry about me, and also not to gain sympathy.
I've been telling myself that one day, I will be fine.
I've been giving myself all the hopes that I will be fine in the future, my leg will fully recover.
I'm afraid.
Afraid of people don't wanna hang out with me anymore if they think that I cannot join for certain activities.
Afraid of people think that I am a burden to them.
Afraid of no one cares about me.
Afraid of being left behind.
Then, i stood up again.
Even though i can ease the pain for every step i take, I will not complain.
I must never show the weaker side about myself.
I will never let anyone worry about me, I don't wanna be a burden to anyone.
I can take the pain, I will not let anyone leave me behind...
At 1st, I don't even want to tell anyone about my current condition, not even my family.
All these while, everyone thought that those screws will be remove from my leg one day.
That's what I told everyone, and what I heard from GH's doctors.
I've been putting the smile on my face, laugh like nobody business, to cover up my emotional feeling.
But now, I will have to bear with the pain, until the rest of my life.
I cannot squad down like a normal human, forever.
I cannot shift my leg up, forever.
The screws will be remain in my hip, for the rest of my life.
Everything is permanent, no more hopes.
I have to go through another types of life.
Which I will feel pain when I wake up, until I go to sleep, and sometimes, sleepless night.
I am a weather forecast, I can tell the whole state of people that when is it going to rain.
But no matter what, I should feel thankful that I can still walk, and I am still alive.
I am only 20 years old, or I should say, 19years and 10months old, and I have to go through all these.
I am a tough guy, I will not give up, I will continue my journey, until the end, the rest of my life...
I am writing this post to express my own feeling.
Not to gain any attention or sympathy from anyone.
Thanks to everyone who care about me all these while.
Thousand appreciate.